


Though My Soul May Set in Darkness

by quartzguts



Series: The Old Astronomer [1]
Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: M/M, technically this is also terra/saix but yknow, xemnas's identity is weird
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-20
Updated: 2019-01-20
Packaged: 2019-10-13 14:00:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 466
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17489339
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quartzguts/pseuds/quartzguts
Summary: Xemnas can't really tell who he is anymore. He thinks he knows who he wants to be, though.





	Though My Soul May Set in Darkness

**Author's Note:**

> Yes the title for this is a direct quote from The Old Astronomer by Sarah Williams and no you're not allowed to judge me for it.  
> I don't really know anything about KH lore except for what I'm learning while playing 358/2 days & watching BBS cutscenes, so... please forgive this mess.

Sometimes, Xemnas felt like the darkness that occupied the place in his chest where his heart used to be was the only thing that mattered. The darkness colored everything he saw, smoothed over everything he felt, until he was sure that he was, always had been, and always would be a Seeker of Darkness. Unwavering and unfeeling. One of an identical set of soon to be thirteen.

Sometimes, he felt that he might be something different. Someone different.

Because sometimes, late at night or early in the morning when he was alone and the world was full of not quite darkness and not quite light, he remembered a childhood spent with a boy and a girl, people he used to love very much, in a warm place that was always bathed in perfect light. Years when his chest was filled with dreams and aspirations as bright and endless as the sky, the sea, and the earth combined.

And then he felt that dim flicker of light strengthen whenever Saïx addressed him by his name (except “Xemnas” wasn’t his name, not really) instead of “Superior.” Those little slip ups, which were followed swiftly by Saïx’s apologies, were even rarer than recovering his memories. He could recall each time it had happened with perfect clarity.

The more it happened, and the more memories he regained, the more the darkness in his chest seemed to subside. It was still there, drumming up a rhythm similar to the beating of a heart, but it was mixed with light - soft little speckles of light against a blanket of darkness. Like the stars Terra used to gaze up at with Aqua and Ventus by his side.

Xemnas was no longer Terra, but he wasn’t really Xehanort, either. He was a mix of both. When he regained a heart, he’d become entirely one or the other.

“Superior.”

The voice cut through Xemnas’s thoughts. He turned to face his subordinate as quickly as possible. “Seven,” he said in greeting.

His second in command had come to him to discuss the mission assignments for the day. Xemnas could hardly focus while his subordinate (he’d like to say “friend,” but he knew that wasn’t accurate in the least) was standing right in front of him, elegant and refined and perfect. The half formed heart of light and darkness in his chest beat with affectionate longing.

He didn’t know which side of him would win. Obviously, becoming Xehanort would be more useful to his plans - their plans. But when Saïx answered a question by gazing at him softly and calling him “Xemnas,” eyes full of loyalty, he found himself wishing the name on his beloved’s lips would one day be “Terra.”

Terra could love Saïx, after all. Xehanort couldn’t.


End file.
